I was getting my nails done last week and those of us in the salon started to chat about what our neighbors really think about us. You see, good fences may make good neighbors, but fences do not block sound…and so the more I thought about it, the more I’m pretty sure that my neighbors think I’m crazy.

You see, when you’re a parent to toddlers, you literally live in a bubble at home. A bubble that causes you to say and do things you probably would not do when in the presence of a crowd of people. Relax, I don’t beat my kids. Although when Mack is in meltdown mode because her juice to water ratio is incorrect, it most likely sounds as though I beat her. But really, I’m talking about yelling phrases that make no sense to anyone, unless they are standing next to you. At my house, especially in the backyard, there is no filter. Here are a few things I have shouted at a decibel I know my neighbors could have heard clearly. And while I consider myself a fairly fun mom who doesn’t care how dirty her kids get when they play outside, I’m positive my neighbors think I’m a mean mom who uses fear and sarcasm in inappropriate ways.

“Mack, can we try not to put all of the dirt in the backyard in your hair today?”

“Sticks belong on the ground, not in your ears or in your brother’s spine.”

“Stop hitting the tree with the shovel please. This isn’t a Sequoia you need for firewood sir.”

“No, you may not climb that tree like a pirate. Why? Because you’re not a pirate, and if you climb it you will break your neck.”

“You hurt your toe? Oh well I’m sorry. But that’s what you get for climbing that pirate tree Jack Sparrow.”

“Yes, that’s Bella’s poo poo. No, we don’t need to pick it up with our hands because it’s in our way. There’s plenty of backyard sister.”

“Stop peeing on the patio. Pee in the grass like daddy please.”

“Get out of that bush, there are red ants in there. No, you cannot zap them with your lightsaber. We aren’t in The Republic okay.”

“Please use the hose to play in or to drink out of. Stop filling Bella’s dog food bowl with water so you can watch her food float.”

“Yes, lizards bite. And they will eat you alive if you try to catch them and bring them in my house.”

“Grant, take the John Deere out of second gear, you’re going to run your sister over.”

“Please go down the slip and slide on your bottom or your belly, not on your tricycle.”

“Stop trying to push your sister in the pond. Yes I know that there isn’t any water in it but I’d rather not go for stitches tonight.”

“Oh the chalk doesn’t taste good? Funny how that works.”

“You really need to think twice about eating those berries again.”

“No, I am not holding you the whole time I mow the lawn.”

I’m sure there are plenty more that make me sound like a deranged wackadoo…but for now, cheers to good fences, good neighbors, and not having the cops called on you when your two year old screams bloody murder because she wants to be held while you mow the lawn. Two guesses as to who won that argument. Which was then followed with…

“I better lose like 7 pounds carrying you in this heat Mack because it’s your fault I can’t fit into my Vegas dress little lady.”